Image by lisihoff via FlickrI am writing this blog entry from my ex husband’s living room. My son is in his room, playing some sort of Space car race game and I am here by the table, surrounded by cereal and milk and bread. So how is this possible? How come I am allowed to sit here, to spend a day or two with my son in this house where he is growing up? How come I was invited to my ex husband’s sister’s wedding recently?
It has to do with some very simple guidelines to follow in order to co-parents productively and make the best choices for our son.
My ex husband and I have had to learn the rules and although we do hit an obstacle or two still, we have become so much better parents.
Be tolerant.
I can’t say I agree with every single decision my ex husband makes in his way of raising our son but I have learned, however, that it’s a very very bad idea to intervene in the decisions he is making right at the moment when he is making them. I used to do that a lot. My ex would say to our son, “I want you to stop playing video games so much” and I’d go “Lots of kids do it and it’s not like he is not getting enough exercise, anyway”. This would, of course, totally strip my ex husband of any respect he might have built up in his relationship with our son. It took a few arguments and some thinking before I finally got it: Shut up in the moment, save your breath for later until the kid is not present.
Be flexible.
Many an agreement has been broken. Never so that our son comes out the loser, though. I am the weekend mom and I have made a point of always being there; only once in 8 years have I cancelled on a trip to see him, because I was too sick with the flu to make it. Then I saw him the following week instead. Still, there have been small changes on both parts: My ex have moved some dates and I have as well. It’s important to not be totally rigid about dates and calendars. The main point is to keep an ongoing relationship with my son, not to win a battle of calenders.
Be kind.
I’ve discovered that if I want to be heard and respected, I must give what I want: Respect and kindness in return. I can’t count the times I have screamed and yelled at my ex (and he’s done the same to me) and such a fight never resulted in a winner, only two big losers with hurt egos. Also, it’s a terrible thing for a child when parents fight. So now I have decided to go another way. I sometimes praise my ex husband for his parenting skills. I say things like “You are doing so good with our son, well done”.The response is amazing; I get kindness back as well and our son seems to flourish. He’s learning that mom and dad are divorced and can’t be together but they can be nice to each other and we can still go out and have dinner, hang out – not like we used to (where everything ended in bad moods and fights) but in a much better place.
Boundaries.
I used to nag a lot in our marriage and just be pissed every day and so, I don’t think my opinion was taken very seriously. It seems that now when I’m a much happier person, I do get taken seriously: When I get mad and say “This is how I want it and it’s important to me”, someone actually listens. Setting boundaries is important for co-parents, and it’s taken me a long time to learn that setting boundaries is not the same as being bitchy and mean. You can set boundaries in a respectful way: To here and no further, end of discussion. Remember, it takes two to fight. Simply refuse to fight.
I know, this sounds rather simple and I do understand it’s not simple at all, I just see so many people bitching about their ex and going “If only he or she would change, things would improve so much”. And yet they’re the ones who are online, writing mean things about their ex. I found that if I changed my behaviour and owned my part in the difficulties, my ex automatically did the same. Don’t change other people (you can’t), change yourself and be a good parent. Be nice, tolerant and respectful. I bet your ex will change with you.
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