I don’t know how to make it work

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I don’t know how to make it work when you’re anxious. Or when I am anxious.

There’s something terribly undignified about hiding yourself away like you’re some kind of subhuman. It’s the most shameful feeling I’ve ever experienced. When I first started understanding that I wasn’t merely a shy girl, I was an anxious and depressed girl, I was in my early twenties and had suffered through the first “fun” remarks from my partner: “I think I ought to force you to be around people”, “You’re being silly” and so on. My behavior was extreme. When we had people over – always at my boyfriend‘s initiative – I would hide away in the bathroom even before they arrived. I’d sit on the bathroom floor, tell my boyfriend that I was gonna brush my hair or take a quick shower and then I’d simply lock myself in there for the night, not even trying to explain. I couldn’t explain; I was so confused by what was happening inside of me. I just had this overwhelming feeling that I was facing something horrible, other people’s judgment and I would – of course – be found too dumb, too ugly, too fat, too boring. So I sat on the bathroom floor and my boyfriend didn’t come and talk to me – we couldn’t discuss it and he was definitely not the kind of person who would abandon the guests to come and comfort me. He wasn’t a bad guy, his concern was just for them, not me, at that moment in time.

I got worse. Failed at jobs because I was too anxious to go. Then I got into therapy and if I hadn’t learned to withdraw into my own mind as a little girl, I learned now. I’d sit there in my art therapy session and draw weird drawings of my scars and my eyes and my mouth and my shaky hands. At the end of each session, the therapist would put my drawings into a folder and we’d talk a little. Then I’d leave and not know what to do with myself or my life. I was in a place occupied by 13 million people and I’ve never felt so alone in my life.

But this blog entry is not about me. It’s about being anxious and being in a relationship. I’ve never been on the other side of it and seen the impact it has on someone who hasn’t walked those anxious steps. I won’t ever understand unless I try it someday. I’ve seen what it did my my now ex husband though – it must be hard to not feel rejected when you keep asking your girlfriend to have friends over or to go out and have fun with other people and you hear “No, not tonight”, “No, I’m busy” and she can’t really explain the honest reason for not going. It must be hard to not get isolated with her. It’s important to remember that she is the anxious one and you need to be with people now and then, especially to stay strong in such a relationship. If the both of you become isolated, the trouble will only get worse and so will the anxiety. I speak from experience. If you go out now and then, it doesn’t mean you’re unloving; it just shows that you’re a social human being.

I can’t give any advice to how you can help someone who is anxious. Honestly I’ve never been in a relationship with a man who could help me while I went through my anxiety attacks. When I feel bad, I withdraw, I shake, I want to be alone and I especially don’t want anyone hugging me or telling me “It’ll be okay” or “Look at that beautiful flower over there”. I turn cold. I just need to be on my own for a few hours, alone with my anxiety and then I’ll be back to “normal” in a while, whatever “normal” is. The anxious person has to go through it alone, get help by his/her own initiative and the only thing you can really do is lend an ear and listen – do NOT offer advice. I certainly have never had any sound advice that I could use about my anxiety. Trained professionals need to cure/alleviate the anxiety, not you (if you’re the partner of an anxious person). Don’t ever try to be clever on medication and therapy issues, leave it up to the pro’s and to him/her.

It was the worst thing that was ever done to me: Ex boyfriends trying to diagnose me, getting into my head and trying to solve childhood issues, giving advice about medicine and just basically “knowing it all”. Truth is, you don’t.

My guess is many relationships fail due to social anxiety and in very severe cases, anxious people commit suicide. That’s how horrific the condition is. That’s how undignified and painful it is to feel less than others. That’s how lonely it is. It’s an illness much too difficult to deal with so it often upsets me when any kind of family member tries to diagnose a loved one.

If you’re the anxious one and you’re ready to admit to yourself that you’re socially anxious instead of shy, it’s a good idea to try to be open about it. Try to express what’s going on and seek someone who will listen. You need to be heard, trust me. I still see that young woman sitting there alone on the bathroom floor, hands covering her eyes and tablets spread all over the floor. “Is tonight the night? Why don’t I just end this pain right now?”. I see her so clearly. The only way I can help her is to stay open, to hold her out into the light and show everyone: She’s a part of me. If a partner/spouse can’t live with her as well as the fun me, then I need no spouse or partner.

It wouldn’t work, anyway.

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I didn’t know myself but I still got married

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I think it’s time for an entry about being true to yourself. This is something that has taken me years to learn; actually it’s something I am still learning every day. When you’re in your twenties and not sure of who you are, it can be a dangerous thing to get too involved in a relationship. I know, I know, lots of people do it – but I know of very few people who have come through on the other side, still together and still trying to define themselves as individuals.

Here’s my story. I got married in my mid twenties and when I look back at it today, I was a big ball of confusion. First of all, I made the mistake of marrying the first guy I was ever in a relationship with; therefore I was wildly inexperienced when it came to what it takes to make a marriage work. I sort of had an attitude of “My parents have been married for 30 years and I will be, too”. Like I could put a coin in a marriage vendor machine and a perfect 30 year marriage would pop out.

Before I go on, let me just say there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this man who is now my ex husband. He’s a wonderful human being; we were just not a match. So this is not about making anyone look back, it’s just an image of my own immaturity at the time.

I also made the mistake of not knowing the man I was marrying. We’d been together very shortly and I still have no idea why we rushed so much. I’m quite sure that had we been together – dating – for a few years, neither of us would have chosen marriage. Trust me, we were an ill match.

When I look back at myself, I see a confused, insecure young woman. I so wanted to have what my parents had – a person to share life, to share the future but I had no idea what kind of man would make me happy. The reason is simple. I didn’t even know myself.
Besides, whatever little part of myself I knew back then, I chose to ignore. Sure, there were warning signs that this decision of marriage might not be the best but I turned a blind eye as many young people do when they’re in love. And just as they do, I paid the price.

I can see so many situations where I chose to go along with something I disagreed with, simply out of fear of losing my spouse or fear of being alone; I’m not sure what was most frightening to me. I had such a bad relationship with myself that I was in no shape or form to be in a relationship with anyone else. I was being untrue to myself.

The only way to be true to yourself is to discover yourself. Find your likes and dislikes. Ask yourself what your interests are? What are your capabilities? At 25 yrs old I had no idea how to answer those questions. I might have been able to answer what my fears were – like being moved away from my family, living in a big town in a rocky marriage – but I chose to do that, anyway. I didn’t listen to my knowledge about myself. I followed along to someone else’s dreams and plans and I was deathly afraid.

Equally important, you’ve gotta be aware of what’s unacceptable behavior to you. Otherwise you’re gonna be treated how others want to treat you – with no boundaries. The old saying is true: You teach people how to treat you. If you disagree with something or you’re treated badly, speak up.

If I had been aware of these things at age 25, I would probably have acted no differently. Lots of young women are very insecure and who has great self insight at that age? I know of only a few age who are so set in their way at 25 that they have it all figured out. Of course there’s always a difference in people’s maturity but I really do believe that the lack of life experience in our mid twenties make us confused, unsure about life and our choices in general.

I am now an old lady aged 36 (for a few more months, then I turn 37 which I am choosing to ignore, of course) and right now in this stage of my life I am so much more clear about what I want, what I don’t want, what I can do and can’t do – what I am willing to accept and totally unwilling to accept. I look at my old wedding picture and I so badly want to grab that girl’s arm, give her a good shaking and say “You have so much living to do, so much growing to do, there’s the Exit sign“. There was actually a photo taken of me with a big grin on my face, pointing at the exit sign on the door !! I would tell her to leave, enjoy being young, date numerous men and grow up.

My only comfort is that out of this marriage came a miracle: My beautiful son and I can’t imagine life without him. So I suppose that what helps me is the faith that behind the chaos, behind the insecurities and questions and bad choices is a greater design. It’s just a feeling that at any age we’re not so lost that we’re beyond God‘s plans for us.

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Trying again after some failed relationships

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I just love feeling special. Don’t you?

I absolutely love the feeling of being someone’s love. I’ve never been in a relationship where I have felt truly valued as a person and had someone else listen to my opinions and consider what means something to me in my life. I’ve always been sort of a follower – you want to move there, ok I will go – you want me to feel like that, ok I will feel like that. You know the drill. I think that after living on my own for some years now, I have come to the core of what made me behave like that and accept such a treatment. I simply have not known my worth. I’ve been blowing every which direction the wind has blown in search for love and validation.

Now I am at a crossroad. Since my last hopeless relationship some years back, I have been alright – mostly – with being alone and yet I never really told myself that “I just can’t make relationships work”. I never said that I would never try again. I’ve just not felt any urge to throw myself into a project that I was not ready for. I needed time to calm down, learn about myself and my motivations and take care of myself. I needed what they call “me time”.

So here I am now. It’s been some years of being single now and although the damage was great , I really can’t surrender to past failures. A relationship is not a necessary; it’s just something I would like to explore. There are ideas and assumptions that I now struggle with but I’ve come to the conclusion that I cannot fix those things on my own. I will not know for sure until I have tested it all with someone. How can I believe in something that I have not put to the test?

I am a little afraid but I must test myself and although I will not move forward with a runner’s pace but instead a slow, anticipating walk, I will move forward rather than stand still on this matter. The path ahead is exciting and full of signs to watch out for: I must remain true to myself and my wants and needs, I must not forget who I am, I must not jump to conclusions and move ahead too quickly, I must use all my energy and commitment to not hurt myself or others.

Sure. I am afraid.

Yet there are small successes. I smiled yesterday because of a thought that came to me. Kurt’s hobby is playing the guitar and for the past couple of weeks he has been so tremendously excited about it and he’s been sending me videos and playing his guitar and sharing that love with me to the point where I have said: “Please, give me a break”. And then the thought came to me: Wow I am so lucky. When a man wants to share his hobby and his thoughts and future plans with you, it’s a very good sign indeed. I won’t tell him to give me a break ever again .

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It’s Mental Health Month: I am one of "them"

May is mental health month. I’ve got mental health problems myself and I think it’s so important to break the silence about this – millions of people suffer worldwide and yet it’s a big taboo.

I can only do my little bit to break the silence.

http://www.youtube.com/v/WvRlmqseuUI&hl=en_US&fs=1&color1=0x006699&color2=0x54abd6&border=1

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Stop expecting unrealistic things

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Sometimes we stay in relationships for too long because we have expectations that may not ever have a chance to be met. We keep hoping for a change in someone’s behavior, in someone’s attitude and every time we are let down, we choose to hold onto hope because we so desperately need that thing that we hope will be provided – perhaps tomorrow, perhaps next week. Depending on the kind of relationship we’re having with this person who keeps letting us down, we can either drop the relationship entirely or change our expectations and let go of unrealistic hopes.

If for example we’re talking about an adult child/ parent relationship, we might have expectations about how this parent should treat us – we might feel we need to be appreciated more, to be hugged, to be told “you make me proud” now and then and it might be a constant struggle trying to manipulate this behavior in the other person. It can be a very stressful way to live life, to constantly think “if I do this, if I say that, if I act this particular way, perhaps I will get what I need so much from this person“. The result we need might never come. Fact is, we can’t change other people but we can change how we perceive other people and how we choose to live our own life.

The person who causes you stress might also be a romantic partner who fails to live up to your expectations. Stress arises when we are put in situations that we feel out of control of and we fall short of finding an answer to fix the problem. Maybe you’ve got a partner who enjoys getting you into situations where you lose control – a lot of times fights are not about whose turn it is to take out the trash or what we’re going to spend the next paycheck on; fights are very often power battles, a way to determine who wears the pants in the relationship. Perhaps your partner shows unpredictable behavior which leaves you constantly trying to calm the situation, finding the best way to act without causing another rapid change in behavior. Maybe you live every day like that: trying to balance everything and living through so much stress that you wonder what happened to “the old you”.

That’s when it’s time to stop and think about your expectations. If you expect something from a person which is totally out of character for them: perhaps you expect them to suddenly start hugging you and giving you praise or you expect them to be able to know your innermost feelings before you say them out loud, it might be time to stop and consider what you’re going to do. Are you going to stay? Keep hoping for a change, keep changing your own behavior to manipulate somebody else into changing? Or are you going to get that thing you need so badly – only from somebody else – or perhaps from yourself?

Do you need a hug? Do you need praise? Do you need to be told “I am so proud of you”?
Then look for people who are not afraid to tell you so, people who are not afraid to hug you and say they love you. And most importantly, love yourself. Be your own best friend and give yourself the things you need – all those things that other people might not be able to give you.

You can give it to yourself.

And don’t be hard on people. Just like you, they struggle.

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The final achievement

I need simplicity. Because my experiences so far have been anything but simple, I become anxious when I see signs of complications in a relationship. I feel the need to get away, run fast in the opposite direction. I have had enough drama to last me a lifetime and along with the experiences I’ve had came a realization that it is always – always – better to be happy alone than miserable with someone else. I don’t need to be in a relationship at any cost. It’s simply not true that I can’t live on my own. How do I know this? Because I am living on my own and every single day I wake up, do the things I need to do, without a man around. I am so glad I learned this lesson although I feel bad that I had to learn in such a hard way.

Along with the lesson also came scars that will probably never go away. Mistrust in other people. That’s the down side; I tend to look for hidden agendas in people. My thought process is very complicated like so many strings entertwined in a big ball of yawn. I get stressed quite easily, partly due to a long stretch of depression, anxiety and this ever present mistrust in my surroundings. It’s stressful to always look behind my back, always having the thought: “If you mistrust people, they can’t hurt you”. With this theory you isolate yourself and that’s what I do – but I am not yet ready to let go of the mistrust and instead embrace my own trust in myself. Because that’s the thing: It’s not really about other people. It’s about trusting that whatever comes my way, I can handle it. I am not there yet. There might be something coming that I won’t be able to handle.

It’s strange. I have come through so much, so many bad experiences and the hardest experience – which I will not relate here – was something that I thought would kill me. It almost did but I still made it. I have to remind myself – I made it. Now I may have bad days when I can hardly get out of bed but I made it, by God I made it! And I will be around for many, many years to come.

But can I really handle another let-down? Can I handle someone walking into my life? I may still be here but I stress easily, I get highly anxious and I am nervous about moving forward into this territory that has never meant anything but unhappiness and disaster for me. Is there any chance at all that it will end well? I ask myself, maybe I am just not cut out to being in a relationship. Maybe I am too complicated, too nervous. Then again, I am not THAT special – millions of people have personal problems and they still seem to maintain relationships.

I need to trust myself. My own decision-making. My own ability to now look beyond the surface and dig for certainty. I need to be my own hero.

Honestly, what I want is a life so simple and predictable that I stop fearing. I know, I am probably just fooling myself. There’s no such life.

How about you? Have you been through a stressful event in your life and come out so mistrusting that you isolate yourself for your own protection?

“Simplicity is the final achievement. After one has played a vast quantity of notes and more notes, it is simplicity that emerges as the crowning reward of art.” ~ Frederic Chopin.

The miracle of childbirth and the Hell that followed

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Happy birthday baby! I can’t believe you are 36 years old today! Did I ever tell you about the day I gave birth to you ??

It was a beautiful sunny day. I woke up to the sound of birds whistling in the trees. Your father, bless his heart, made me aware that my water had broken; can you believe that?? I wasn’t even aware it! We didn’t rush to the hospital. We decided to drive slowly and enjoy the beautiful scenery on the way to the hospital. I told your father “can you believe how blessed we are? Here we are, happily married and having a beautiful little baby girl”. No, he could not believe it.

It only took 7 1/2 minutes from the time we arrived at the hospital until I was giving birth. It was the most beautiful experience of my life. When the nurse said “you may push now”, I closed my eyes and pictured the most beautiful green pastures with little yellow flowers blowing in the wind and the big blue sky with a bright yellow sun shining down on my little family. I was so excited. For 2 seconds I have to bite my teeth together and then I pushed. My little baby caused me no pain ; you just sailed right out of me on the beautiful red ocean of love.

I was a mother right from that moment. I cried happy tears.

We went home from the hospital after 25 minutes. I resumed my job in no time and your father was so proud of me. He would not stop saying “I love you, I am so proud of you”.  Not once did I complain about my lost freedom or the time I no longer have to myself. I just kept looking at my baby thinking “my life is perfect”.

Now baby , we both have discussed this and we think it’s a little strange that you don’t have any children at your age . What’s the matter with you ?

………………………

Did your mother ever do this to you ? Talk about giving birth like it was a walk in the park ? When you go through pregnancy , they all come out of the woodwork : women who tell you that  giving birth was no big deal and other women who tell you that it was a nightmare.

You should listen to none of them. Giving birth is a very personal experience and nobody can tell you what it’s going to be like for you . The same goes for the time after you’ve brought your baby home: It may be joyous and it may not be.

Unfortunately , the reality is that up to 80% of women suffer from mood swings after giving birth and out of those 80% , at least 10% will develop postpartum depression which is triggered by the hormone changes that happens after childbirth .

The symptoms of postpartum depression in feelings of inadequacy , lack of concentration , sadness , feelings of being a bad mother , anxiety , fatique and crying spells . Sometimes a postpartum depression gets very severe and turns into psychosis ; in this case there will be all the symptoms of depression plus un-interest in the child , rage, hallucinations and thoughts of doing damage to oneself or the child .

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It is not uncommon for fathers to experience stress and anxiety at the birth of her child so postpartum depression is not only affect women .

If you have these symptoms , it’s a good idea to go and see a doctor because there are treatments for postpartum depression. There are antidepressants , psychotherapy and counseling .

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My first anxiety attack

   I had my first anxiety attack in my early 20s. I had moved from Denmark to the United Kingdom in pursuit of love and perhaps a little naïve for someone my age, I figured I would uproot myself for while, be happy with this new boyfriend I had not known very long and just settling into my new life for about a year or so – with absolutely no problems.

Looking back I can’t believe how ignorant I was and I fully understand the way my parents must have felt. I had never had a boyfriend before, always been a very shy person and I had never lived in a different town from my parents. It was a pretty big move and I had astounded everybody by suddenly going on flights all by myself and doing things I had never done before.

The first few weeks were awesome. We had a great time. I got to see all the tourist attractions in London. We took the bus to Bath. We went to Hyde Park, I spent hours on speakers corner, listening to people raving on about religion and politics.

Slowly reality started to kick in and my boyfriend had to go back to work. He worked evenings and in the daytime he tried to help me get some job interviews. I finally got a job at a nursing home and I made quite a good impression at the interview. They had previously employed a Danish girl and they still remembered her fondly. I sort of got the feeling that they have been very sad to see her go. I made it through the first day of work, although I was quite nervous about the whole thing. When my shift was over, I had forgotten where to catch the bus and so I walked home. It took me about an hour to walk the whole way and I was terrified because it was dark outside.

The next morning I was supposed to start at 10 . I was so nervous my whole body was shaking and I felt like somebody had their hands around my throat and was squeezing really tight . I went into the bathroom because I thought I had to throw up and as I got more and more dizzy, I went down on my knees and started to cry hysterically . It was an out of body feeling . I felt like I was watching myself from the ceiling and I was losing my mind . I held onto the edge of the bathtub and my then boyfriend asked me what was wrong . I couldn’t answer . He asked if he should call the doctor , still no answer .

He phoned in to work and said that I would not be coming . I’m not sure exactly what phrase he used but I’m pretty certain he did not say I had an anxiety attack because we both did not know what it was at the time .

In the coming months I have several more attacks and I started to hide out in the bathroom whenever we had company . The boyfriend would try to get me engaged socially and he tried to introduce me to people , usually with the result that I was in tears . He would say things like “maybe I should force you to be around people ” – I’m sure he meant to help me but words like that just made me angry and made me want to isolate myself even more . I ended up in therapy . Started out with art therapy because I didn’t know the words to express my feelings. In the end my therapist agreed that it would probably be helpful for me to be around my family – I was beginning to get suicidal . She would not , however , put me on medication . She told me to go home .

And this was the beginning of years of different kinds of therapy and medication for me . Today I am still medicated , although not as high a dose is as in the beginning . Anxiety and depression is a part of my life and at this point I am quite certain that I will never be completely rid of it . Some days I know how to manage it and I recognize the signs and on other days it just hits me like a ton of bricks and I find myself unprepared for the pain about to come upon me .

I wanted to share my story with all of you to make people aware that many , many people all over the world suffer from anxiety and yet it is a big taboo. Mental illness is something we do not talk about. People who are mentally ill not only suffer from their illness but also from the wall of silence between themselves and “normal” people. Isolation kills many. It is time we start being open about mental illness because there is nothing shameful about it – having a depression or having anxiety is not a personality flaw; it does not mean you have a weak character.

Other forms of illnesses are also hidden from our view and yet we don’t have a problem discussing them: someone has heart problems, someone has rheumatism. But people who have depression, anxiety or some other kind of mental illness , these are the ones who need to break the wall of silence. We are the ones.

We are not strange. We are you.

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I have SAD

I just stumbled across some info online to help determine if people – that would be me – have seasonal affective disorder. It’s a form of depression that shows up when the days are cold, dark and short ; it’s thought to affect about 20% of people in the US! Now imagine the numbers worldwide..

The signs of SAD are sadness, hopelessness, being sleepy and exhausted most of the time (sleep disturbances), irritability, anger, increased appetite (75% of people suffering from SAD gain weight during the winter), carb cravings, difficulty with concentration and a loss of interest in sex.

So I went through the list and recognized all the symptoms in myself. It didn’t come as a great surprise because I have periods of depression all year through but winter always hits me like a ton of bricks; I start to feel aggressive, sad and very hungry! And my sleep pattern is messed up. So there ya have it, people. During the winter I just wanna curl up, sit in front of the TV with a bowl of potato chips, handkerchiefs by my side (in case of uncontrolled crying) and some sort of weapon to fight off anyone who wants intimacy. How about you? Do you have any of the signs of SAD?

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Technorati Tags: winter, depression, SAD, seasonal affective disorder, sleep, carbs

I recognized all the signs within myself and it’s not really a great surprise. I suffer from depression all year long for different periods of time. Winter just always seems to hit me BIGTIME; I just wanna curl up with a bowl of potato chips (anything fat will do), handkerchiefs by my side in case of hysterical crying – and a weapon to fight off anyone wanting intimacy.

What about you? Have any of the signs of SAD?

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Why have you been married for 25 yrs?

I sometimes look at couples who have been married 30+ years and I can’t help believing they must be really special people. Just imagine 30+ years of good days, bad days, arguments, wet towels, his and her quirks, difference of opinions and so on. A person who can hold on to another person for so many years through thick and thin must have some very special qualities. If you’re with someone like that, consider yourself very lucky.

Being a divorced woman I can’t help wondering what’s in the minds of these long-lasting couples. Do they wake up and feel blessed every day or have they settled for something, perhaps afraid to make a different choice so late in life? Are they married because it’s easier to just stay or are they married because this is whom they have chosen to be with and they feel they made the right choice? I sometimes hear of men who will leave their wives after 25 years of marriage because they want something else out of life, perhaps they found someone younger. I wonder if boredom makes them act that way or if they’re making good, healthy choices for themselves. After all we have only one life and it’s not good to stay with somebody you don’t love. These men are often judged very harshly.

I guess I am wondering what holds long-lasting couples together. Do people really stay together out of fear of the unknown or boredom? Perhaps they just love each other; it’s that plain and simple. And love conquers all, they say.
I suppose in most cases it’s the history that keeps people together, combined with their love for each other, of course. While it might be tempting to move on from a 20+ year marriage to find a new partner, there is a big history that has been built between you and your wife/husband and you can’t create history of those proportions once again with a new person that “late” in life. There is the certain way your wife touches her hair, there is the way she used to read to the kids when they were little, there’s the trips you took together, there’s the kind of effort she put into the kid’s birthdays, there’s the way you used to feel together when you first started dating, there’s the restaurant you went to 20 years ago and your wife ordered her favorite food, there’s the time she got angry and threw a plate across the floor, there’s the first time she called you a vulgar name and so on. This sort of history is created over many, many years and you can’t create it with someone new (if you’re stepping out of a 20+ year marriage). It will never be the same. Because it takes years to develop those sort of memories.

As a little girl I imagined myself with the same person from the time I was a young woman until the day I took my last breath. It didn’t turn out that way, unfortunately, and I have such admiration for people who have done it. People who have such a level of commitment to something must be very special people, indeed.

Do you know anybody who have been together for over 20 years? How do you think they make it work?

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